Never grow up

August was a great month for me. I deleted the Facebook app from my phone and while I won’t ascribe an absurd amount of consequence to that single action, I do think it helped change some habits. I also made use of my high school and college aged babysitters who were all still at home during the day, able to come over for brief chunks of time on very little notice while I ran out to do something by myself. Sometimes, for myself.

I did a lot of sewing, quilting, natural dyeing, and making in August, and it was revelatory. All the making and practicing-of-art opened the flood gates and the creative ideas have not stopped flowing. It feels so good to be stimulated and inspired, and I am craving so badly the time to turn these ideas into finished projects.

Cecilia and Serena

Cecilia and Serena

Which brings me to the following observation: I know that this time of great physical need from Cecilia will not last forever. I know that because somehow Vivienne is two-and-a-half and she no longer nurses or wakes up several times at night crying. She’s adaptable and shouts, “Bye mom!” when I leave her and it’s all good while I’m gone. These two-plus years went so fast, just like they said it would.

Despite knowing this, I still find myself impatient with the needing-to-be-needed. Like, c’mon let’s get past this point already. It takes a lot of work and self-control to not give in to the impatience and feel stuck. Any parents reading this will know that the immediate next feeling is guilt. Baby-hood goes so fast, the intense physical needing ends relatively quickly, and while the freedom is amazing, it is also sad. I should savor this time instead of wishing it would pass. 

It all exists together at the same time. 

Sean is a great cheerleader when it comes to this stuff, validating my feelings while also constantly (and gently) reminding me that it's all temporary. The hard parts and the sweet parts. I must have been channeling him this morning while I walked to the coffee shop where I'm writing this post, and watched Ceci fall asleep in her stroller. I left my house bitterly fantasizing about having a whole day to myself in an empty house. These daydreams were interrupted only by the thought I had while watching Cecilia's baby face slowly fade into sleep: Never grow up, never grow up, never grow up.